What would I do, If I had not known you?

Where would I be, if I had not known you?

Would I be alive, if I had not known you?

Even if I’m, would I be sane, if I had not known you?

Lot’s of existential questions. Answers do not look definitive.  

In a world filled with people who love others for the sake of society, for the sake of using others, for the sake of having a boyfriend or girlfriend to dump their emotional baggage, for the sake of having someone to let their world revolve around, for the sake of getting talktime credited(seriously, it happens),  How did I even find you? I’m still astonished by how much the universe pushed me to talk to you. You know this all too well. I’m not a talker. Not definitely to stranger’s from the fairer sex. Though we have never met in person,  I could say I’m not a stranger to you. I also hope you would say the same!

People say, love happens with reasons and expectations. It might be the case. But I would say, it might or might not overcome the regular idea of love and become something unconditional.(Love in it’s true sense is unconditional, but seriously who cares, we are all busy labeling things, emotions and ideas). It’s only when we don’t know what to label "this", When something has crossed the requirements of being labeled, and still stays close to heart, it is love in the true sense. I’m the guy who stays in his head a lot. There have been more times I have banged myself on someone or some pole, than the number of days I have existed in this planet. I seriously don’t know If it's a figment of my imagination or otherwise. I am seriously at a loss when it comes to understanding what others feel. It becomes overwhelming that it takes a lot of time to understand things as simple as sarcasm (not to term sarcasm as simple, but getting that becomes difficult when being under the influence of emotions). And because i have mentioned being in love, people will start questioning about my girlfriend. What society expects one to!

There have been times when I have considered myself as the knight in shining whatever. The intention was to stay by your side. Not to visit you on a imaginary horse and save you from this wretched environment. You are a strong woman. I admire you.  You need no saving. You are the one who saves others. All you need is someone to hold you still. Hope time will let me do that! 

There have been times when I hurt you. Times when you needed support and I let you down. Fights and misunderstandings makes the bond better. It definitely has. I know a lot on what to talk, and what not to. You were there holding my hand, like a strict parent.. letting me learn on you, correcting me. I would be a social illiterate without you. I used to expect to talk to you, not wanting to bother you would stay in my thoughts. I have stopped expecting to talk. Not that I don't want to, But that’s when I learnt that I have started loving you in the true sense. From all that I have learnt, the best is, "everything is ephemeral & This moment is eternity". Someone said, Eternity is not a long long time, it's absence of time. I just wish, we could fall in each others arms, hold the other still and stay for an eternity. Let this moment last forever... I just wish.!

Usually all my posts are rant of some kind or the other. Probably that’s the only thing I’m good at. Guess this one is “that” bit special. It’s a midnight rant! I’m angry on myself. Just couldn’t put my finger on the frickin reason. Toccata and Fugue on repeat. Grumpy. Feeling that, in addition to others, I’m continuously deceiving myself. Is there a dangling modifier in the last sentence?

You know the struggle is real when your desire to NOT DESIRE anything, becomes a desire. After all, I’m yet another confused soul trying to find its path. Once you hit a number of cul de sacs, your patience wears down. Unable to hold it together. Is this how a meltdown feels? Anxious, angry, empty, longing. Irritated with this font. Love using nice fonts, one like this. Life is good. Enjoying work. Life is fragmented. Like this post. Completely incoherent thoughts put together as a passage that makes no sense at all. Loving someone other than me is going to be an uphill task. It took prolonged efforts and patience to accept myself. I love myself. Which is a good start. To love someone, they say, charity begins at home, One start’s by loving oneself. Unless one can really love the self, love on others just can’t be true, or so I believe (if you could understand the last six sentences, welcome to the club my friend, the very least, you are half as mad as I am). The travel bug in me is itching to ride. 1910 kms on the odo, and the longest I’ve travelled in a day would be a few kms shy of a hundred. Maybe all I need is a long lonely ride. Maybe I will find lady love at the end of my journey, as if this is a fairy tale. Always been the guy who never worried about the destination, rather prioritized the experience. All these make no sense. None at all. Just like a madman’s words. 















Internet is a vast place. And someone is generous enough to provide me space to pour all my incomprehensible thoughts, and let it stay. A brilliantly meshed web! It's been long since I've felt this way, that "things have gotten way out of hand". Treated myself to a classic Assam tea, in the middle of night! There’s dopey shaggy on the mug. When in doubt go for a hot beverage. 




I’m no SJW to fight for the good of the society. I’m selfish. Selfish enough to take care of personal ambitions, and nothing else. Still not sure if anyone else can look at this and still think I’m alright! Not sure if I’m ready to show this to anybody I know. What’s the purpose of posting this? Seeking approval? To show I’m a rebel?(Who am I kidding?, call this rebel?) Should everything have a purpose? Can’t things stay purposeless, like this one?

 Maybe end of the day all I want is to someone to hug me and say it’s all going to be okay!

Do I really look like a guy with a plan?